Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you’re never
enough? Stupid question. I guess most of us feel that way. But for first-borns like myself, I feel that
the pressure to do better and be better is greater because we have to be
examples to our siblings. I can also name another downside of being the eldest:
you automatically are held responsible for everything. I mean, it’s okay
if you failed to do what you were supposed to do. However, it’s another thing
to be reprimanded for supposedly not doing
something you actually did (good deeds), or getting blamed for doing something
you did not do (bad deeds). The worst is probably when your sibling fails to do
something and you end up having to do it.
My sister and I were talking about responsibility and other
related topics such as dealing with
the pressure of these responsibilities last night. Like, when people see that you
are doing good, they tend to expect a lot from you. But when you commit a
mistake, they take it as a mistake against themselves.
They act as if it’s the end of the world. What, now you can’t make a
mistake? I mean, you’re only human! Like I mentioned, they even act as if you
committed a mistake against them when
they oftentimes just happen to be the bystanders and not even the ones
involved. My friend Hal introduced its official term to me: Barnum effect. It’s when you think it’s
about you when in fact, a general description was just given. In colloquial
terms, affected, natamaan or na-igo.
Have you ever experienced that? It’s frustrating, right?
Sometimes, it makes me want to rebel.
Anyway, on to the outfit. I wish I could’ve picked an outfit
that defied the rules of fashion a la Lady
Gaga (just to make my topic parallel to the fashion) but this could not be
further from fashion rebellion. This was taken at SM yesterday.
I went out with my family and it was a great day cause my dad bought us new
clothes (he usually does not pay anymore for my personal purchases—movies,
clothes, etc—so this was a cause for jubilation!). He got me this jacket from
Forever21 and I loved it so much I wore it right away. It looks like a leather
jacket but it’s not; nevertheless, I felt like such a thug in it. Again, felt lang. LOL.
In movies, we often see the rebel as the leather jacket-wearing,
motorcycle-riding, scowling person who has no qualms about breaking rules.
Everyone’s scared of them (sometimes with reason), guys want to be like them
(or not?) and girls want to date them. You know, that guy. However, movies and series portray that these so-called
baddies actually have a heart, and have the most heart-wrenching stories to
tell. The thing I notice about them in shows or movies however, aside from
being the cute and brooding guy, is the part of the story when they take the
little girl-next-door to do something totally out of her comfort zone (or vice
versa). For illustrative purposes, let me use the Disney movie Prom. I can
still see that scene in my mind’s eye—that time the guy took the girl for a
ride on his motorcycle and the girl just looked so free and happy. It seemed
like such a liberating moment. What I’d give to feel that way now.
To be clear, I am not rebelling,
nor do I have plans to (hello, 21 is too old for pent-up teenage angst). I
guess I’m just saying that I want to break
free from people’s ideas of who I am. I don’t want to be known as the good
girl or the smart girl because I’m not just
that. I also realized that eventually, I’ll be making bigger choices soon and
these choices won’t always be what the world thinks is right. I don’t want to be dependable Farrah who people-pleases her way to be liked. I wonder if who I am now is the real me, or just the person borne out of
other people’s expectations. I wonder.
I just want to be me, cliché and
simple-sounding as that sounds, and I hope that people will still love me after
all of that.
jacket: Forever 21
Post a Comment