Never Enough


Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you’re never enough? Stupid question. I guess most of us feel that way.  But for first-borns like myself, I feel that the pressure to do better and be better is greater because we have to be examples to our siblings. I can also name another downside of being the eldest: you automatically are held responsible for everything. I mean, it’s okay if you failed to do what you were supposed to do. However, it’s another thing to be reprimanded for supposedly not doing something you actually did (good deeds), or getting blamed for doing something you did not do (bad deeds). The worst is probably when your sibling fails to do something and you end up having to do it.

My sister and I were talking about responsibility and other related topics such as dealing with the pressure of these responsibilities last night. Like, when people see that you are doing good, they tend to expect a lot from you. But when you commit a mistake, they take it as a mistake against themselves. They act as if it’s the end of the world. What, now you can’t make a mistake? I mean, you’re only human! Like I mentioned, they even act as if you committed a mistake against them when they oftentimes just happen to be the bystanders and not even the ones involved. My friend Hal introduced its official term to me: Barnum effect. It’s when you think it’s about you when in fact, a general description was just given. In colloquial terms, affected, natamaan or na-igo.

Have you ever experienced that? It’s frustrating, right? Sometimes, it makes me want to rebel.

Anyway, on to the outfit. I wish I could’ve picked an outfit that defied the rules of fashion a la Lady Gaga (just to make my topic parallel to the fashion) but this could not be further from fashion rebellion. This was taken at SM yesterday. I went out with my family and it was a great day cause my dad bought us new clothes (he usually does not pay anymore for my personal purchases—movies, clothes, etc—so this was a cause for jubilation!). He got me this jacket from Forever21 and I loved it so much I wore it right away. It looks like a leather jacket but it’s not; nevertheless, I felt like such a thug in it. Again, felt lang. LOL.

In movies, we often see the rebel as the leather jacket-wearing, motorcycle-riding, scowling person who has no qualms about breaking rules. Everyone’s scared of them (sometimes with reason), guys want to be like them (or not?) and girls want to date them. You know, that guy. However, movies and series portray that these so-called baddies actually have a heart, and have the most heart-wrenching stories to tell. The thing I notice about them in shows or movies however, aside from being the cute and brooding guy, is the part of the story when they take the little girl-next-door to do something totally out of her comfort zone (or vice versa). For illustrative purposes, let me use the Disney movie Prom. I can still see that scene in my mind’s eye—that time the guy took the girl for a ride on his motorcycle and the girl just looked so free and happy. It seemed like such a liberating moment. What I’d give to feel that way now.

To be clear, I am not rebelling, nor do I have plans to (hello, 21 is too old for pent-up teenage angst). I guess I’m just saying that I want to break free from people’s ideas of who I am. I don’t want to be known as the good girl or the smart girl because I’m not just that. I also realized that eventually, I’ll be making bigger choices soon and these choices won’t always be what the world thinks is right. I don’t want to be dependable Farrah who people-pleases her way to be liked. I wonder if who I am now is the real me, or just the person borne out of other people’s expectations. I wonder.

I just want to be me, cliché and simple-sounding as that sounds, and I hope that people will still love me after all of that. 

jacket: Forever 21

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